How to Enjoy a Bagel

How to Enjoy a Bagel as a Stay-at-Home-Mom:

  1. Decide you would like to enjoy a whole-wheat bagel with that fake butter stuff, since both kids are calm and watching a movie at the moment.
  2. Get off of comfy bed and go find bagels.
  3. Pick up package and remove twist tie.
  4. Refill cup of water for screaming 2 year old, sick with strep throat.
  5. Decide it is well past naptime for 2yo anyway.
  6. Take him to potty and put on diaper for nap.
  7. Put him in bed and hand him his water.
  8. Go back and pull a bagel out of the package.
  9. Adjust pillows under 5 month old because he is a little diva (divo?), arching his back and pitching a fit.
  10. Separate the bagel halves.
  11. Put 5mo in swing instead, since he isn’t calming down.
  12. Decide to just go ahead and take your shower, since you need one anyway and both kids are fussing quietly, trying to calm down into sleep.
  13. Remove shirt and diaper from 2yo who has run into the bathroom, screaming and crying “PEEPEE!” and now wants to join you in your shower.
  14. Finish showering, dry yourself & 2yo off, put nap diaper back on (hey, it was still dry!), and put him back in bed.
  15. Put bagel in toaster oven.
  16. Refill his water cup because he is still screaming.
  17. Get back to room, ready to enjoy bagel, and discover that 5mo is still fussing in the swing.
  18. Decide to just prop him up on pillows on the bed and enjoy bagel next to him.
  19. Pull out bagel, put on plate, and spray with fake butter.
  20. 5mo keeps arching back and pitching fit.
  21. Decide to whip out a boob and feed him for the 8587940327th time today.
  22. He is not hungry.
  23. Put him back in swing, switch the music to the “soothing” kind, and watch him arch his back and squirm.
  24. Maybe he is cold. Wrap him in blanket and put back in swing.
  25. Give him back dropped paci 75894452 times.
  26. Discover bagel is now stale. *^%#!
  27. Decide to have pretzel crisps & hummus instead, since 2yo is not awake to steal all the pretzels for once.
  28. Open package of pretzels.
  29. Open hummus.
  30. Sit down on bed, ready to enjoy pretzels & hummus.
  31. Bite is almost in mouth, and 2yo starts screaming in his room. Probably a nightmare.
  32. Monitor is turned up too loud, so 2yo’s screaming wakes up 5mo in swing.
  33. Say EFF IT!
  34. Put away pretzels & hummus.
  35. Pour a glass of wine instead.
  36. You didn’t really want that bagel anyway, did you?

Post Script: You don’t get to enjoy the wine, either, cause once you get the two year old back to sleep, that five month old is gonna start screaming too, and the games begin again! Better find a funnel to get that wine back in the bottle!


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